Hello Sluggo:

I guess you’re all wondering where I’ve been lately and why I haven’t been posting. Yeah, all of you. All of my loyal readership. Uh huh.

Let’s just say I’ve been busy with important matters of US security—Such as a recent summit I participated in with Iran’s Iron Sheik. He damn near had me defecting to the other side with his promises of heavenly virgins and all that crap if I would help him take out Hulk Hogan. in the end I had to decline ‘cos I like women to be a bit more experienced.

Sorry, Sheik. But you’re still #1 All-American in my book.

Yeah, so I haven’t posted since February, big deal.

Recently, I’ve been making sporadic missions to Sixth Street after nearly ten years out of circulation. Last night I took my camera and captured what I believe to be a typical drunken night on Austin’s “Boulevard of Sin,” or whatever colorful description you might like.

Just before 2am when the bars kick everyone out, the streets look like this:

A few of the more faint-of-heart types (or those who are just plain smarter than the average drunk) try to head out before the circus comes to town…

Then there are the hungry drunks who stand around and gaze at the culinary delights that line Sixth Street… Fajitas, sausage wraps…

Pizza of several different varieties…

Dudes try their damndest to secure the evening’s lodgings…

Some apparently succeeding…

Others succeed at simply standing (with help)…

And then the hoards of drunken filth are pushed out of the saloons and told in no uncertain terms to GO THE FUCK HOME!

And Johnny Law swoops in on horseback to make their quota for the evening.

Meanwhile, the quest for drunk grub continues…

And soon, children, the streets of Austin, Texas are coated with a thick slurry of vomit and cigarette butts…

Not to fear, though… This guy show up about this time every night to hose the hole mess down the sewers. I caught him starting off his night’s work in the parking garage at 5th and Red River. Good job!

Anyone with a knowledge of Japanese language/pop culture might wonder if the name of this place could have been more thoroughly researched.

Then again, they could really exploit the unfortunate name and call it “Tom’s Unchi.” Just a thought.

Mommy: We’re going to get kolaches today, Kei!

Kei: gah-lah-shizz…?

Daddy: No, not galoshes, honey, ko-lah-cheez! You get to have a kolache for breakfast today!

Kei: i get to have a ko-lah… CHEESE today…? for breh-fass..?

Daddy: Yes, you get to have a kolache today! But daddy doesn’t get a kolache today, daddy has to go to the doctor.

Kei: daddy doesn’t get to have ko-lah-cheese today? daddy hafta go to… the doctor?

Daddy: Yeah, and it’s kinda scary…

Mommy: (scowling at Daddy) No, it’s not scary…

Kei: daddy scared at doctor…?

Daddy: No, not at all… (realizing my faux paux—we shouldn’t tell her that doctors are scary) Daddy’s not scared of the doctor! Doctors aren’t scary… It’s just that… I mean… Kei’s doctor is nice… Daddy’s doctor is an asshole…

Mommy: (glaring) John, don’t say that!

Kei: daddy doctor is a ehhz ho…?

Daddy: (laughing) Yeah, well… he is! Hahahahah!

Kei: he’s a azz ho…?

Mommy: (now laughing along) John, don’t laugh…

Daddy: But it’s funny, Mommy! Hahahaha!

Kei: he’s a azz hole… heheheh… dats funny… azz hole…

Santa Claus made it to our house rather early this year at 11:52pm. I was still awake, so I grabbed my camera and got this shot of him just as he was laying his finger aside his nose and giving the proverbial nod, etc.

He didn’t think it was funny when I told him he looked like a black Rip Taylor, so he pegged me in the eye with a lump of coal. Asshole.

Years after the fact and the Goatse stuff just keeps popping up all over the place.

If I weren’t married to my hardshell case and the wonderful feeling I get every time I remove my iPod from it and see it in its unscratched brand-spankin’ new-esque glory, I would have to have the iGoatse. It’s even available in black, so you can listen to the Misfits (aka the Misgoats) and feel all gushy and warm inside… Starting from the bottom, of course.

What we really need to see at Wal-Mart this holiday season is the TubGirl® Brand Chocolate Fountain! Ohhh, make your Holiday Party special.

I’ve been getting slammed from all over the world with searches for “guy castrating himself video” (and all variations possible) and “elastrator video.” Perhaps you should all stop living vicariously through the misadventures of a handful of lost souls true adventurers and start the nut cuttin’ yourselves?

Anyone who is worth their salt in punk rock history knows The Misfits. Last night I was trudging around online, trying to figure out exactly where I lost the enthusiasm I once had for punk—reminiscing about how innocent, nihilistic and yet idealistic it all really was and how I wish it could still be that way—when I happened upon the Misfits Wikipedia entry. I realized that their history has got to be one of the most colorful in terms of outrageous makeovers, reinventions and regroupings of any band ever… That Jerry Only is a real master of marketing it seems.

Then it occurred to me that there is a bigger merger possibility here that is hinted at in a Misfits t-shirt for sale at their website…

Am I the first to notice the similarity to our favorite gut-wrenching homoerotic Internet meme? I searched around for a bit and decided I would be the first to carry this vision to fruition…

And so, unveiled here for the first time, I bring you… THE MISGOATS!

Our entry into the bizarre world of Toenail Removal videos on YouTube. It’s lame, but it’s real.

I’ll link directly to 2Girls1Cup, but BoingBoing won’t. Can’t say I blame them, really, since they probably have way more money invested in their web presence, not to mention a rep to uphold. Me? Heheh, I don’t really care.

If you’ve read this far without clicking the link, you’ll benefit in reading my NSFW (not safe for work, or, alternately, now show friends and workmates) warning: Don’t click the link if you’re sitting in a precarious situation in your cubicle at your place of employment. You know what I mean.

If you clicked it already, God bless ya.

Now, as far as watching 2Girls1Cup with family around, be my guest. You might even get a good laugh like this guy did in the video below. But don’t say I didn’t warn ya.

Known as I am for my hatred of the Holiday Season®, would you be surprised at all to find that I have chosen Goatse as an inspirational holiday illustration? Of course not. So, while supplies last (i.e., until it is removed), I would like to share with you my vision of Holiday Cheer.

And if it is removed, here is a wee movie for you to enjoy.

…and a Goatse® Brand birthday cake. Rock. On.

Don’t ask me, I don’t know either.