Hello Sluggo:

To make a very long story short, I know a guy who has recently become homeless. He has a group of friends who have been doing all they can to help him, but because of many personal issues, it is now on his shoulders to pull himself up, and he has entered a program to facilitate this.

That being said, we exchange text messages from time to time which can range from hilarious to downright scary. Here are a few choice examples, presented without explanation as I have received them. Make of them what you will. References to his program and location have been changed to protect his identity.

I am now being inducted into *** on Drs orders

Good squalor Fartjeans

Apd crack killah wassup

I stank erected

I got a rash & u dont want any

Celeb lookalikes @ *** : tom hanks. Stalin. Avery Schreiber. Chas Bronson. Wm Finley. Sam Jackson. Steven Speilberg. J Leguizamo

Bruce willis. The meatball from aqua teen hunger kids with a body. Andre the giant. Aiden brophy. De niro as scarface. Vannessa williams?

Tom baker. Johnny legend. David carradine.

John turturro. Paul mooney. Jimmy dean. Lou gosset jr. Al sharpton. Art carney. Bobby orlando.

Gary sinese. Herbert lom. Jay from Clerks.

Conan obrien. Levar burton.

G-zuz!

Best ho-made tshirt of the morning: ‘i dont bite just!!! hungry’.

*** is wireless. If-when i get an indoor locker i need my laptop here.

Yeah there’s a bro here who blames me 4 ALL his problems. More on that later.

EMS is here - the guy 2 bunks down is dying. Full blown HIV

Good news- the guy that appeared to have died last night made it to the hospital on time & is doing better

I’m at the clinic - constant interruptions but @ least i’m being seen. Hour behind as usual. Man the shit i have seen lately…

I have been shuffled around so much i’m not certain which msgs made it 2 u

Saw a guy shit on ***** street in the bright sunny traffic. A big dark fat turd in 2 chunks.

I have made a couple friends- there really are some decent struggling ppl there.

I have met some incredibly cool black folks & some real definitive moronic shit-ass niggers. Being homeless illuminates pain like LSD

I’m in the *** prog & that is going 2 save my ass provided i work hard @ it, like 2day.

4.75 hours wait for 6 minutes of doctor. These poor bastids are clearly not in it for the money

Crazy, truely scary shit.

Aside from the requisite 24-7 hustle there are a few noteworthy to be avoided @ all costs. I shall elaborate in person.

Bingo. The money some of these fools waste on crack, weed & cigs could house & feed them independently

Possibly more later…

Yeah, so I haven’t posted since February, big deal.

Recently, I’ve been making sporadic missions to Sixth Street after nearly ten years out of circulation. Last night I took my camera and captured what I believe to be a typical drunken night on Austin’s “Boulevard of Sin,” or whatever colorful description you might like.

Just before 2am when the bars kick everyone out, the streets look like this:

A few of the more faint-of-heart types (or those who are just plain smarter than the average drunk) try to head out before the circus comes to town…

Then there are the hungry drunks who stand around and gaze at the culinary delights that line Sixth Street… Fajitas, sausage wraps…

Pizza of several different varieties…

Dudes try their damndest to secure the evening’s lodgings…

Some apparently succeeding…

Others succeed at simply standing (with help)…

And then the hoards of drunken filth are pushed out of the saloons and told in no uncertain terms to GO THE FUCK HOME!

And Johnny Law swoops in on horseback to make their quota for the evening.

Meanwhile, the quest for drunk grub continues…

And soon, children, the streets of Austin, Texas are coated with a thick slurry of vomit and cigarette butts…

Not to fear, though… This guy show up about this time every night to hose the hole mess down the sewers. I caught him starting off his night’s work in the parking garage at 5th and Red River. Good job!

No, I don’t mean the video is unoriginal, I mean it is not mine. I’m simply embedding it in my blog ‘cos I can’t think of anything original to write at the moment. And ‘cos I like beer. This video makes me want to, well, drink beer. So I think I will. Maybe it’ll make you want to drink beer too. Let’s all drink beer together, shall we?

“The voyage of a beer glass from Montpelier Grove, London to the pub, The Pineapple. Song by Rob Manuel (b3ta) & Danieli Davoli with video from Rob Manuel and Joel Veitch (rathergood). Huzzah.”

Another mid-afternoon (for me) & early morning (for him) absolutely schnockered (also for him) Skype video call with GinJ Mike today…

After he was quiet for a few minutes, I asked if he wanted me to call 119 (like 911 in the states)… Could you imagine that call? 「 私はテキサスに住んでいますが、私の友達は神戸にて病んでいます。お酒に溺れ。」(”Yeah, I’m in Texas, and I’m worried my friend there in Kobe could be taking a leisurely Esther Williams-style soak in a pool of vomit!”)

He appeared in the chat window with stern brow aflutter. “No, I’ll be fine,” he flatly replied. “I know you want to serve a my butt-slave, and it’s certainly admirable that you would spend your hard-earned pittance to make a long distance emergency call on my behalf, but that wouldn’t be a prudent way to show your respect for my position as Supreme All-Powerful Grand Poobah of Gaijin Bloggers, would it? Now get out of my sight, plebe, I’m off to the トイレ… I gotta see a man about a fish!”

Suddenly I was hearing a sonic assault of royal technicolor throwdown, as you can tell by my little inset reaction. This went on for a minute or so, during which time I was busting ass to get Audio Hijack running. Unfortunately, it was taking too long so I aborted the attempt. Sucks too, ‘cos I’m sure Mike would have loved using it in his podcast.

He returned awhile later, spewing a chorus of fuck you’s as I cackled at him like the asshole that I am.

But seriously, folks…

The one issue that throws a Super-Sized monkeywrench in the works of all this high-falootin’ intercontinental innerconnectivity is a little thing called time. Or, more aptly, time difference. When it’s Miller Time in Kobe, Japan, it’s make-the-baby’s-breakfast here time in Austin, Texas. Not exactly good timing for me to be playin’ bottoms up and hootin’ and hollerin’ around the house and shit. Maybe someday we can fuck around with time a bit so that we can both be silly drunk on a Skypecast. I’m lookin’ forward to that day, with glass in hand.

Had an impromptu video conference with GinJ Mike this morning. His wife apparently busted him sneaking a beer from the fridge in the middle of the call… Anyway, he took some incriminating screenshots of me shaking a baby doll during my rant. How very Alice Cooper.

For those of you in the younger set, Alice Cooper could kick Marilyn Manson’s skinny ass. Afterward, MM would shake his hand and say, “Thank you.”

I was explaining to him about the anti-baby shaking billboard campaign seen around Texas (I guess it’s all over the US, I dunno), and how the text layout makes it read (to me, anyway), “Never, Never, Never (line break) Never Shake a Baby,” like, “Never don’t shake a baby.” Like, “Shake the shit out of a baby.” Like someone subliminally trying to thin the herd.

But don’t let me get off on a conspiracy rant, ‘cos I’m just not into that shit. Leave that to Alex Jones. Or this tall skinny white Jesus-is-a-Holy-Space-Alien guy I used to work with. Nothing worse than a white guy with dreads wearing a stinky rasta bag and a Bob Marley t-shirt. Oh, and crocs. With dirt in them. No socks.

And speaking of Gaijin in Japan, what would happen if gaijin monkeys ended up living in Japan?

Actually, Mike posted the original version of this image in his “About the Author” box, and I couldn’t help messing with it. Looks like a couple of crazy drunken village dwarves I saw at the Hounen Matsuri in 2002… They were alot of fun, those guys. I hope they’re still around. If anyone sees this and was there this year, let me know if you saw a couple of crazy little guys causing trouble and hitting people up for money to buy Sake One Cups. I’ll try to post a photo of them later.