Hello Sluggo:

I haven’t figured out if God-Biscuit is swooping down to save the people of India or if he just likes a good curry. Anyone?

To make a very long story short, I know a guy who has recently become homeless. He has a group of friends who have been doing all they can to help him, but because of many personal issues, it is now on his shoulders to pull himself up, and he has entered a program to facilitate this.

That being said, we exchange text messages from time to time which can range from hilarious to downright scary. Here are a few choice examples, presented without explanation as I have received them. Make of them what you will. References to his program and location have been changed to protect his identity.

I am now being inducted into *** on Drs orders

Good squalor Fartjeans

Apd crack killah wassup

I stank erected

I got a rash & u dont want any

Celeb lookalikes @ *** : tom hanks. Stalin. Avery Schreiber. Chas Bronson. Wm Finley. Sam Jackson. Steven Speilberg. J Leguizamo

Bruce willis. The meatball from aqua teen hunger kids with a body. Andre the giant. Aiden brophy. De niro as scarface. Vannessa williams?

Tom baker. Johnny legend. David carradine.

John turturro. Paul mooney. Jimmy dean. Lou gosset jr. Al sharpton. Art carney. Bobby orlando.

Gary sinese. Herbert lom. Jay from Clerks.

Conan obrien. Levar burton.

G-zuz!

Best ho-made tshirt of the morning: ‘i dont bite just!!! hungry’.

*** is wireless. If-when i get an indoor locker i need my laptop here.

Yeah there’s a bro here who blames me 4 ALL his problems. More on that later.

EMS is here - the guy 2 bunks down is dying. Full blown HIV

Good news- the guy that appeared to have died last night made it to the hospital on time & is doing better

I’m at the clinic - constant interruptions but @ least i’m being seen. Hour behind as usual. Man the shit i have seen lately…

I have been shuffled around so much i’m not certain which msgs made it 2 u

Saw a guy shit on ***** street in the bright sunny traffic. A big dark fat turd in 2 chunks.

I have made a couple friends- there really are some decent struggling ppl there.

I have met some incredibly cool black folks & some real definitive moronic shit-ass niggers. Being homeless illuminates pain like LSD

I’m in the *** prog & that is going 2 save my ass provided i work hard @ it, like 2day.

4.75 hours wait for 6 minutes of doctor. These poor bastids are clearly not in it for the money

Crazy, truely scary shit.

Aside from the requisite 24-7 hustle there are a few noteworthy to be avoided @ all costs. I shall elaborate in person.

Bingo. The money some of these fools waste on crack, weed & cigs could house & feed them independently

Possibly more later…

I’ve been meaning to look up Klonopin recently after hearing reference made to it… Also known outside the US as Rivotril, it seems to be a heavy downer prescribed for everything from Epilepsy to Restless Leg Disorder to Schizophrenia. Common side effects include impaired motor function, dizziness and amnesia. Woot! Party drug!

I’ve also been listening to Air America during the day lately, and they constantly run this ID bumper featuring Fischerspooner which is annoying as all hell. I don’t know anything about these guys, but in that bumper they sound like a couple of weenies. Kind of like the guys in the Alltel Wireless commercials who portray the competing cell phone carriers, but emo’d out and full of caffeine, trying to kick some 10-year-old’s ass for his lunch money. I give them the benefit of the doubt, though, and link to them… But they should consider re-recording their Air America thing, lest they impress folks who are unfamiliar with them as a whiney emo shoegazer mallpunk band…

Speaking of Alltel, how in the hell can they say in good conscience that they are “America’s largest network” and not even offer service in Austin?

Perhaps this should have been a new Pet Peeve post…

Following up on my recent crack pipe-themed rant, I see we have another esteemed guest!

Dude is from Fairport, New York. He’s on the hunt for someplace where he can score Used Crack Pipes.

Now, I thought purchasing used drug paraphernalia would be like second-hand dildos—who’d wanna buy that?! Apparently it takes all kinds…

Then again, I doubt crackheads are super choosy.

One of the many reasons people blog is for attention. Don’t lie. Maybe you have a lot to say, or you think your recipe for Orange and Lemon Marmalade is the best out there or you think black helicopters have flown up your ass, but the real deal is that you want attention. So in the interest of tracking how much attention I’m getting (or not getting, as the case may be), I was taking a look at my miserable stats, and this catches my eye:

Let me make sure I understand this.

Homeboy couldn’t simply Google “crack pipe.” It was even beyond him to do a Google Image Search for “crack pipe.” No, instead he’s relying on the wonder of the Internet to do the work for him, so he does a Google search for HOW+TO+DRAW+A++CRACK+PIPE, which led him to this previous Hello Sluggo posting.

Perhaps he couldn’t be bothered to look no further than the end of his arm?

Here, I figger that since you were nice enough to come to my little corner of the Web and have a little look around, I’ll return the favor by drawing your crack pipe for you.

There. I hope you get an A.

UPDATE: Cracknet madness continues with a Hello Sluggo “hit” from a slowhead in Indianapolis, Indiana searching for “hitting+a+crack+pipe.” Whatever happened to good ol’ red-blooded American male search terms like bukkake and Goatse?