Meet my arch nemesis, The God Damned Owl.
Early in her life, my daughter, Kei, developed a fondness for owls. I think we first noticed it at my parents’ house in Missouri, where there is a macramé owl hanging on the dining room wall. She would run in the room and point at it, shouting, “Hoo hoooo! Hooo hoooooo!” Over and over, she would invite everyone into the room to announce Mr. Owl, as if she had discovered his presence all on her own. A big accomplishment for a 16-month-old.
My wife saw The God Damned Owl at Wal-Mart while very uncharacteristically shopping there one Sunday. I say uncharacteristically because she worked for Wal-Mart for a few years while in college. As a result, she loathes Wal-Mart. I figure she has a better reason than most to feel this way, so I wholeheartedly support her in this venture. It’s just that… When you have children, you become susceptible to “Every Day Low Prices,” even if those $3 chanklas do burn holes in your skin. You just learn to be careful and save money… Maybe that should be Wal-Mart’s new slogan: Save At Your Own Risk!
Anyway, Sharon thought it would be cute to bring The God Damned Owl into our home and see how Kei would react to it. You know, maybe put it up on some high shelf, or outside a window far from the reach of her little hands. No, Kei had other ideas. She glommed onto The God Damned Owl as soon as it was placed in the shopping cart.
The God Damned Owl is a hard plastic molding with a few sharp edges; The God Damned Owl stands about 18″ tall. So you can see, this could lead to a few issues. Even if I were to file down the points, the The God Damned Owl’s ears alone are wee deadly weapons, seemingly designed to poke out the eyes of a two-year-old, or, alternately, her 42-year-old dad, which is exactly what has happened on at least one occasion of trying to wrestle The God Damned Owl from the hands of my child. Kei walked away unscathed; Daddy lost that battle with The God Damned Owl.
At times, Kei will show a waning interest in The God Damned Owl. It’s then that we try to hide it, hoping she will somehow forget about it, but she always finds The God Damned Owl and picks it up, carrying it like a dolly around the house, hugging it, sometimes even giving it a little kiss at bedtime. We have, however been successful at keeping The God Damned Owl out of her bed at night, though we have no idea if she’s made any middle-of-the-night reconnaissance to rescue The God Damned Owl or not… She has been found sleeping on the floor by her bed a few times early in the morning, and we can only surmise that she may have been trying to locate The God Damned Owl by cover of nightfall.
We’ve purchased a couple of large plush owls for her upcoming birthday in the hopes that we can swap out a far softer companion in place of The God Damned Owl, but only time will tell… The God Damned Owl might yet find his true place at our house, outside, keeping squirrels, possums and other undesirables away. We’ll see…
