Hello Sluggo:

A) Oops… Hey, Last.fm…  Seen the news lately?

B) I wonder what Michael Jackson’s play count looked like before he bought the farm (but not the ranch)? I’d be willing to bet it was nowhere near 29 million.

C) Does Last.fm knows something we don’t? Is the King of Pop planning something along the lines of his former Father-in-Law, The King?

I’ve been a fan of Industrial music pioneers Throbbing Gristle for many, many years, and this morning I went searching for the lyrics to their classic piece, “Hamburger Lady.” True to form, the Internet dumbs down another cultural phenomena to the level of Britney ringtones and Hannah Montana lunchboxes as seen by the first link I found below:

You can imagine the shrieks of unfettered teenage girl glee when I saw that I could have Hamburger Lady as my very own ringtone! Following the link, I was greeted by this image of a young woman happily jamming to TG on her iPod:

This made me wonder if I was being duped… I mean, don’t you think this image is a little… misleading? I set about correcting this issue straight away:

There, doesn’t that seem more appropriate? I just hate inconsistency.  HA M B  U   R   G   E    R       L     A     D     Y  .  .  .

My dad left his Airport on and receives dialogs asking if he wants to join a couple of open wireless networks. One is called “mindy” and the other is called “nastyniggasnetwork.”

I can’t help but be reminded of a certain frequently-quoted-by-white-folks black comedian’s comment: “Niggas love to keep it real… Real dumb.”

One of my photos from our 2004 trip to Japan has been used in a textbook, Marketing Management: An Asian Perspective, published by Pearson Education South Asia.

Years after the fact and the Goatse stuff just keeps popping up all over the place.

If I weren’t married to my hardshell case and the wonderful feeling I get every time I remove my iPod from it and see it in its unscratched brand-spankin’ new-esque glory, I would have to have the iGoatse. It’s even available in black, so you can listen to the Misfits (aka the Misgoats) and feel all gushy and warm inside… Starting from the bottom, of course.

What we really need to see at Wal-Mart this holiday season is the TubGirl® Brand Chocolate Fountain! Ohhh, make your Holiday Party special.

I’ve been getting slammed from all over the world with searches for “guy castrating himself video” (and all variations possible) and “elastrator video.” Perhaps you should all stop living vicariously through the misadventures of a handful of lost souls true adventurers and start the nut cuttin’ yourselves?

Anyone who is worth their salt in punk rock history knows The Misfits. Last night I was trudging around online, trying to figure out exactly where I lost the enthusiasm I once had for punk—reminiscing about how innocent, nihilistic and yet idealistic it all really was and how I wish it could still be that way—when I happened upon the Misfits Wikipedia entry. I realized that their history has got to be one of the most colorful in terms of outrageous makeovers, reinventions and regroupings of any band ever… That Jerry Only is a real master of marketing it seems.

Then it occurred to me that there is a bigger merger possibility here that is hinted at in a Misfits t-shirt for sale at their website…

Am I the first to notice the similarity to our favorite gut-wrenching homoerotic Internet meme? I searched around for a bit and decided I would be the first to carry this vision to fruition…

And so, unveiled here for the first time, I bring you… THE MISGOATS!

Our entry into the bizarre world of Toenail Removal videos on YouTube. It’s lame, but it’s real.

I’ll link directly to 2Girls1Cup, but BoingBoing won’t. Can’t say I blame them, really, since they probably have way more money invested in their web presence, not to mention a rep to uphold. Me? Heheh, I don’t really care.

If you’ve read this far without clicking the link, you’ll benefit in reading my NSFW (not safe for work, or, alternately, now show friends and workmates) warning: Don’t click the link if you’re sitting in a precarious situation in your cubicle at your place of employment. You know what I mean.

If you clicked it already, God bless ya.

Now, as far as watching 2Girls1Cup with family around, be my guest. You might even get a good laugh like this guy did in the video below. But don’t say I didn’t warn ya.

Known as I am for my hatred of the Holiday Season®, would you be surprised at all to find that I have chosen Goatse as an inspirational holiday illustration? Of course not. So, while supplies last (i.e., until it is removed), I would like to share with you my vision of Holiday Cheer.

And if it is removed, here is a wee movie for you to enjoy.

Talk about taking things into your own hands…

Convicted sex offender attempts to castrate himself; Tells police he was fighting the urge to offend again

From The State Journal-Register, Springfield, Illinois

A convicted sex offender who told police he was feeling an urge to offend again took a fillet knife to his testicles in an attempt to castrate himself Sunday night (10/21/07).

The 59-year-old man, who lives in the 1600 block of Seven Pines Road, was bleeding profusely when police and paramedics arrived. However, he was expected to survive.

The man successfully removed one testicle and flushed it down the toilet; the other testicle was severely injured.

He then called a friend for help. Authorities were notified about 8:15 p.m. Sunday, and the man was rushed to the hospital.

According to a police report on the incident, the man, who was not identified, said he was feeling the urge to touch and hurt children. He was not trying to take his life, he reportedly said, but was trying to stem the urge.

The man’s offense happened in 1984, police said. He had been on a sex offender registry for some time but no longer was required to register.

Self-castration is not as rare as one might think. Historians say some early Christians castrated themselves… And instructions for castrating oneself accompanied by firsthand accounts can be found on the Internet.

In case any “responsible child molesters” are reading this, here are the instructions for using an elastrator (a device used in the castration of farm animals) to nullify your urges. Go ahead, knock yourself out!

Link contains images that might produce feelings of being kicked in the nuts, so don’t say I didn’t warn ya.

No, I don’t mean the video is unoriginal, I mean it is not mine. I’m simply embedding it in my blog ‘cos I can’t think of anything original to write at the moment. And ‘cos I like beer. This video makes me want to, well, drink beer. So I think I will. Maybe it’ll make you want to drink beer too. Let’s all drink beer together, shall we?

“The voyage of a beer glass from Montpelier Grove, London to the pub, The Pineapple. Song by Rob Manuel (b3ta) & Danieli Davoli with video from Rob Manuel and Joel Veitch (rathergood). Huzzah.”