Hello Sluggo:

I’ve been a fan of Industrial music pioneers Throbbing Gristle for many, many years, and this morning I went searching for the lyrics to their classic piece, “Hamburger Lady.” True to form, the Internet dumbs down another cultural phenomena to the level of Britney ringtones and Hannah Montana lunchboxes as seen by the first link I found below:

You can imagine the shrieks of unfettered teenage girl glee when I saw that I could have Hamburger Lady as my very own ringtone! Following the link, I was greeted by this image of a young woman happily jamming to TG on her iPod:

This made me wonder if I was being duped… I mean, don’t you think this image is a little… misleading? I set about correcting this issue straight away:

There, doesn’t that seem more appropriate? I just hate inconsistency.  HA M B  U   R   G   E    R       L     A     D     Y  .  .  .

Kei: “Daddy, how did you put me in Mommy’s belly?”

Me: “Uh, I just rared back and put you in there.”

Kei: “What did you use?”

Sharon: “Ahhhhhhahahah…”

Kei: “What did you use, Daddy?”

Me: “Well, I um…”

Sharon: “Uh, he used his, uhhh, his magic!”

Me: “Yeah, I used my Daddy Magic!”

Kei: “Magic?”

(I have to mention here that “magic,” as it is called in our house, is whipped cream, specifically from a can, like Redi Whip. That was not the magic we were referring to.)

Sharon (laughing hysterically at this point): Hahahaha yeah, “Daddy Magic!” Hahahaha!

Kei: “Did you use your magic wand? Like my magic wand??”

Me: “Well, kind of, but, no, not really like yours…”

Kei: “Where is it? Where do you keep it?”

Me (Worried about painting myself into a corner): “I put it away, honey… I put it away…”

Sharon: “Hohohooooheeehaaaa…!!”

She’s three-and-a-half years old. I ain’t having that talk yet.